As most friends and family know, my husband and I have decided to adopt. We prayed about it a lot and felt like it was time to start the process. My husband keeps reminding me not to get my hopes up, but against all efforts, I tend to anyway! We have our highs and lows and seem to be having more roadblocks than open highways. My heart has been playing tug-of-war with the confidence that God led us to start this journey and the devil is trying to stop us, or that we put our "wants" above God's will.
I have really been struggling with my faith. I have even missed church a lot here lately... I would always be hurting or didn't feel good but I think on a deeper level I would have sucked it up and went regardless, had my faith not been so little and had not gotten discouraged.... I know that is wrong and "un"-Christian-like but I didn't realize how much I desired to have another child. I am VERY happy with Dyson and the little family I have but God is not allowing me to let this desire fade for a reason. I have always felt VERY strongly about adoption, even before I finished high school so I know that there is a child out there for us to love as our own.
This past week,week and a half, Dyson has been very sick with pneumonia and high fever. I went six days with a total of maybe 8 hours of sleep. With me having POTS, it is not healthy for me to go without rest. It causes my body to work even harder than the "normal" and can cause very dangerous (passing out resulting in injury) symptoms. I was blessed to be able to handle it until we went and stayed with Austin's parents for the holiday weekend. I was finally able to take care of myself and get my body readjusted while Dyson's Nana and Pops kept him busy. All the time I spent laying around allowed me to contemplate how blessed I truly am despite my illness. For two years I have longed for the ability to care for my son in a typical "mom" fashion and for the first time, I had done exactly that! As exhausted and weak as my body felt, my mind was awakened with a new hope for a promising future. I have come a LONG way since first getting sick and since there is no cure, I have had a less-than-positive outlook on what type of mother and wife I would be.
I have always aggravated my husband by doing things I shouldn't and basically not being as cautious as he would like. Although I understood his concern, I couldn't/cant just live in a bubble and watch my life pass me by. God and I have had MANY heart-to-heart talks and I have had my share of being angry and heartbroken over the way He was deciding to write my story. I realize that He is just using all of this to help me realize His purpose for my life. God has a way of ruining your plans, and if we allow it, the change in course can consume our attitude. Instead of focusing on the problem, learn to focus on the purpose. God will bless us in the midst of our struggles and in return we should use it to glorify His name. Nursing my son back to health gave me a newfound confidence in my mothering ability. Although I take care of him a lot, it is usually interrupted with daycare and I am able to rest my body. With that being said, many people feel that we should not adopt due to my illness. I have never believed them until recently when I injured my back after passing out... I wondered if my dream of adopting was slipping away along with my health. Blessedly (I don't believe in luck, I believe in purpose), the pain goes away and the symptoms take a break! Instead of giving into my physical "wants" I push through and ultimately it boost my spiritual "needs".
Last night I tossed and turned, wondering why God has placed such a burning desire for another child in my heart. I stopped convincing myself this was God's plan and decided to REALLY seek Him. I know that it is His plan for us to adopt, we have earnestly prayed about that, BUT one thing I haven't been praying about is WHEN we should. Fundraising has had one obstacle after another and I let it discourage me. I reached out to God and there I found His outstretched hand.. See, He hasn't gone anywhere, despite being able feel His comfort. I had, unknowingly, pulled away from His grasp while concentrating on the goal, instead of allowing Him to bless me in each step of the destination. I asked God to give me a peace about adoption and not only to pay more attention in the day-to-day, but to also pay more attention in the moment-to-moment.
I prayed that I would have discernment and patience along the journey and to not get so easily discouraged when we face an obstacle. I prayed for peace and for God to show Himself to me along the adoption journey.
I drifted off to sleep and had one of the most realistic dreams I have ever experienced. The details of the dream have stuck with me all day and feels like a warm hug with each thought. We finally had our missing piece. A child was given to us after word of mouth spread that we were adopting. There was a mother who was struggling and felt that her baby could be better taken care of by us. She brought him to us and dropped him off without a word, only a single tear that fell from her face. The baby was very tiny and had gastrointestinal issues from birth. He required very close care but the instant connection we felt with him was as if I had carried him for nine months. Dyson immediately started loving on his new brother and I felt complete. As introductions were made to family and friends, there were some reactions that were unfortunately expected, but that didn't discourage my happiness in the least.
I felt God was showing me that, like He says, He will give us the desires of our heart. I realized that yes, it may be difficult and have a lot of unexpected outcomes, but the joy we will feel when our family is complete is greater than any struggle or negative feelings could ever be. After all is said and done we will appreciate the outcome more, regardless of when it happens, if we trust in God's ability to carry us through it.
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