Beginning my journey

I have never before decided to write my thoughts out expecting people to read them. I have a social media page and I know that people see my status updates, but to actually put myself in a position for people to get to know me through my writing has never really crossed my mind. I am just an ordinary girl with an ordinary life. Everything in my life has never been simple and I have dealt with illness since I was twelve. Endometriosis tormented my teen years and took away the hope I would ever allow myself to have in having a traditional family one day. Surgeries came and went, the pain stayed. I learned to deal with pain and discomfort for so long that when I say now that I feel bad, I almost feel like I am whining and I try to push through. I was told that due to the extent of my endometriosis that I would need to prepare myself that I would never get pregnant. I became very interested in adopting a child and giving it all the love I could have given my own child. Just like many southern women, I met a guy, fell in love and then wedding bells followed. The first year was a complete disaster! I started nursing school, he lost his job and we ended up having to live in a camper and then finally with his parents. One day I was working at the hospital and ended up in the ER. The doctor told me that I had more than likely miscarried and that I needed to go home and rest. I didn't even know I was pregnant but I mourned for the child I never got to know. I decided to take the "probably" that the doctor said and make up in my mind that I had not been pregnant and that everything was just a coincidence. The hole in my heart continued to grow as people all around me was getting pregnant and starting families. I focused on nursing school and graduated with straight A's. My passion was to care for people. From the time I was little and playing doctor with my stuffed animals and even starting a club to raise money for elderly people I would make homemade necklaces and get donations from as many people I could with my big smile and curly hair. When I would see the relief and joy it gave the elderly people just to know that someone loves them, it wasn't even about the money.

I began my nursing career thinking I could conquer the world and change someone's life by just showing them attention and that I care. I felt like I found purpose for my life and was finally proud of each step I was taking. Joy came again when I found out I was pregnant and this time I got to enjoy weeks of feeling like a "mommy"... Sadly more heartache followed when my husband and I lost our child and it was a wake up knowing that I may have to endure the torture of losing my children in the future, instead of just not being able to get pregnant at all. I couldn't decide which was worse. After many months and a lot of encouraging words from others, we decided to look at our losses as a glimmer of hope. I was told for years I would never get pregnant but God proved that only He can make that prediction and when he allowed me to get pregnant that he was showing me that He was in control. After another year of trying for a baby of our own we decided to look into adoption and started getting information about the process.
We finally stopped trying to make our own destiny and gave up trying so we could relax and just enjoy each other. It wasn't until then that we allowed God to work within us by putting ourselves on hold.

Two months later, I was in severe pain and went to see my doctor and was told I was pregnant. I lost my mind. I didn't think I could handle another loss. I went for an ultrasound and was sent to the ER due to the results. The time in that ER room felt like it was passing like quicksand. The ultrasound technician took me for the ultrasound they needed and she very rudely and emotionless told me that I was having an ectopic pregnancy. Our hearts were crushed again but God was not finished. The next week when we followed up with my obstetrician, God began the healing process. I had not had an ectopic pregnancy and my child was still alive within me! The pregnancy was high risk and was full of medications, bed rest, and even preterm labor. My son was fighting his way to make it into our arms early but we needed him to wait a little longer, regardless of how much we wanted to hold him. After three days of labor and contractions that were two minutes apart, an allergic reaction to my epidural and my kidneys deciding to not work at the time, our son was finally with us in our arms. Dyson Edward is our miracle from God and just the beginning of how my world has forever been changed since 2012. Feel free to follow my journey as I bring you up to speed on my life within the past couple of years. I may not be a professional writer and I know that I give way more details than needed, but I am hoping that with my story maybe someone can relate and not feel so alone or at least realize that God is sometimes quiet, but never gone. This year is going to be a year of positive thinking and a whole new outlook on life. Be patient, I am learning and continue to learn as God puts on my heart what to write. God bless.