What is happiness? Let's discuss...

I know I have already discussed how I was angry for so long, but I feel like I need to elaborate a little more. I see so many people who say they are so happy and blessed one minute on the social media sights and then within an hour they are posting that they hate their life and everyone in it, or that they can't wait until the week is over and the list goes on... To me, if your happiness is so shallow that it can be changed within an hour then you are not truly happy. If one person can make you so unhappy that you are wishing your life away from day to day or week to week, then maybe we need to get to the bottom of what true happiness is.  I was angry for WAY to long and it just stole too many important things from me! I missed out on age 6 months- to one year of my sons life and when I see pictures of him I don't even recognize him in that time frame. I was so angry and depressed I took all my frustration out on my husband and family and I looked for every excuse to be defensive when someone didn't "understand" my illness... OF COURSE they aren't going to understand it!!!! We shouldn't want them to understand it!!!! Before we (as patients) were labeled with it ourselves, we didn't understand it! As a matter of fact, I STILL don't understand it!!! If I did, I wouldn't constantly be overdoing it, I would drink my water like I am supposed to, eat my salt, figure out a way to go gluten free regardless that I live in a tiny town without a whole foods store and the financial ability to afford it, I would push through and at least do 5 minutes of low impact exercise daily because as much as we say we can't handle it we KNOW we are supposed to do and that it is vital to recondition our bodies, and lastly, if we understood POTS we would have already found a cure. I spent so much wasted time looking for someone else to get angry at because so many friends have left me and because I lost my job and my husband is taking on SO much more than I could never thank him enough for, BUT I finally had to realize that I am not just put on this earth to lead a bitter life. Every morning I woke up in pain or every time I passed out and ended up in the ER with a possible head injury (most recent ER visit for falling off a porch head first and thinking I broke my neck- I was fine though- only damage to my ear!) was nothing compared to how miserable I was feeling emotionally and spiritually. I finally realized that I would rather hurt and pass out everyday than to be so miserable and bitter towards an illness that I am going to have to battle the rest of my life. So, I decided that God is bigger than I am and instead of being mad at Him for letting this happen, I decided to step back and see what else He was or could be allowing to happen. I do not know my purpose for having this, but so far I do know that by having POTS, my once completely independent, "I can do anything on my own" self has finally been knocked on her back and has had a very large helping of humble pie. I now know that I have seen a side of my husband that has made me love him on a level that only God can allow. He not only takes care of our town as chief of police day and night, but he takes care of me and our son without one complaint. I now know that God has allowed my family to grow closer through my illness and if it was for only these three things I will forever be grateful. I will have my days were I get down and question "why" but that is okay. God wants us to seek Him. It is in our darkest hours that He shines the brightest. 

 My husband isn't perfect by no means and I have had my days (and weeks!) where I want to ring his neck because I am in a mood... He is, like most men, a "fixer" and thinks practically about every situation and of course POTS is not cut and dry. We can't always feel better with each suggestion that is made so when something doesn't work or if I don't listen to what he says and he gets frustrated it can get very tense but I have to remind myself (sometimes over and over until it sets in) that he is only so frustrated because he is tired of seeing me in pain and not being able to "fix" it. Also, as bad as I hate it, he calls me on my crap! When I know better than to go and spend the day with my friend in town, even if it is just doing something simple, and I pass out or spend the next few days on the couch, he has no sympathy. When I am feeling bad and he tells me not to get up, but I do anyway and I pass out, he says he doesn't want to hear it when I wake up moaning from bumps and bruises on the way down... It is tough love and I know that may sound like he is mean, but he really isn't... If I am actually hurt, he takes care of it but he makes me realize that it all could have been prevented and that I cause myself more harm even though I want a halfway normal life. He then sits and listens while I sometimes cry with crazy, simple things like I can't drive and go buy a taco that I have been craving like I would have been able to do before I got sick (told ya!). He just nods his head and says he understands. We are not perfect and we are completely flawed and have no idea how to go about handling life with a none curable illness. But, what we do know is that life is worth fighting for and our son will know that his mother fights to have an active part in his daily routine and he will grow up learning from his parents to look at the positive side of a bad situation because regardless of what life throws at you (sickness, poverty, job loss, identity crisis, loss of friends or loved ones, etc) he will have to know that there is more to it than just sorrow and depression. I want him to remember his childhood as happy, regardless of what was going on around him. Back to my quest to figure out what exactly is happiness; one thing I do know, happiness I not skin deep. It cannot be changed in a matter of a second just because someone else did something you decided you didn't like. Happiness is a decision that we wake up with each morning and go to sleep with each night. For me, God brings me joy that nobody can take away from me, not even myself. When I put things into God's hands and I actually gave it to Him and not just "saying" it like I had done so many times before, I slowly found myself having less anxiety, less depression, and I could look in the mirror and actually smile regardless of the day I was facing. I was no longer scared to face the rest of my life and that, my friend, made me happy.